“At baseball stadiums across the country, it is too hard to find parking spots, and one must wait in long lines for beer and bathrooms,” Selig said. “All of these problems have the same source: simply put, the sport has too many fans.”
As Selig’s first step in his plan to reduce baseball’s fan base, the commissioner declared all games to be played for the remainder of the 2002 season a tie.
“The score’s tied, fans, so please, don’t watch the game,” Selig said. “Watch wrestling or NASCAR instead.”
In addition, the commissioner said, it would now take nine strikes to strike out a batter instead of the traditional three, a rule change aimed at making the average game six and a half hours long.
These changes, along with the outlawing of home runs and stolen bases, should reduce baseball’s popularity to the level of badminton or curling, he promised.
In addition, the commissioner said, the traditional seventh-inning stretch will now entail the playing of a 30-minute section from rocker Lou Reed’s album “Metal Machine Music,” during which time stadium ushers will move about the stands, poking spectators with sharp sticks.
In related news, Selig praised the Cleveland Indians organization for a series of recent cost-cutting moves that have transformed a once-dominant team into an unwatchable train wreck.
Earlier today, the Indians announced that they were trading their last two remaining stars, shortstop Omar Vizquel and slugger Jim Thome, for a pack of Juicy Fruit chewing gum and a really cool Hot Wheels car.
