“Not only is Governor Bush smarter than a chimp, he’s a whole lot smarter,” Bush advisor Ted Grundig told reporters in a hastily called press conference. “These I.Q. test results should put to rest, once and for all, any question about the Governor’s fitness to be commander-in-chief.”
The tests took place in a controlled environment at a laboratory in Princeton, New Jersey, Bush aides said. The Texas Governor arrived with two sharpened No. 2 pencils and faced off for three hours against a chimp named Bongo. Highlighting the impressiveness of Governor Bush’s victory, sources close to the Bush camp claim that Bongo is one of the smartest chimps in America. “The Governor didn’t beat just any chimp, he beat a truly outstanding chimp,” one aide says, adding that Bush outscored Bongo in seven out of ten intelligence categories.
The Gore campaign was quick to dismiss the Bush camp’s victory claims. “None of this testing could have even taken place without the use of graphite pencils,” the Vice-President’s daughter, Karenna, told a group of reporters following the Gore campaign, “and I don’t think I need to remind you who invented them.”
Raising the ante, Bush appeared in a campaign event in Miami today, where he faced off against a “really smart laboratory mouse,” according to Bush 2000 officials. The Texas Governor wended his way through a maze in search of a wedge of Swiss cheese, defeating the mouse “handily,” Bush aides say.
The most recent survey shows the major candidates locked in one of the tightest presidential races in recent history: Bush 34%; Gore 32%; Bongo 31%.
