The new unit, called the Airborne Soccer Jerks (ASJ), is already receiving high marks from military commanders. “These soccer parents will fight anywhere, any time, about anything,” says Gen. Tom T. Longo of the United States Army, which oversees the unit. “Especially the moms.”
The soccer jerks are being airlifted into international trouble spots where they angrily drive their SUV’s while screaming into cell phones, thus mowing down enemy troops. Other jerky soccer parents advance on foot, allowing them to throw folding chairs and scream obscenities at the enemy.
“I’ve trained soldiers for thirty years now and I’ve never seen fiercer fighters than these soccer jerks,” Gen. Longo says. “I guess nothing makes you meaner than the suburbs.”
The pissed-off soccer jerks met with victory in their first mission last week in the Balkans. Coming upon a squad of Albanian fighters, one of the soccer jerks, Pvt. Debbie Bernstein of Scarsdale, N.Y., shouted, “Get off the field, buttheads!” and threw a bottle of Snapple Diet Ice Tea at them.
The Albanians, who appeared “confused” and “frightened” according to eyewitnesses, threw down their weapons and ran away.
