“When we first heard about the plan, we were like, this is too good to be true,” said multibillionaire Thurston Howell IV, a spokesman for the richest .0001 percent. “But when our butlers read the plan aloud to us during the cocktail hour, we were incredibly stoked.”
The 29 plutocrats who make up the nation’s wealthiest .0001 percent were at their annual meeting at Howell’s villa in Geneva, Switzerland, when news of the president’s plan was first released.
“Bill Gates and Warren Buffett were the first to hear about it, and then the news just kind of trickled down, if I may use a favorite phrase of ours,” Howell said.
Howell added that the elimination of all federal taxes on dividends would provide much-needed relief to him and the other 28 wealthiest Americans, who have been “struggling to make ends meet on our dividends alone.”
“The president deserves credit for recognizing what the wealthiest .0001 percent have known for years,” Howell said. “It’s well-nigh impossible to maintain a dozen households around the world, stable after stable of racehorses and a fleet of private jets if your dividends are being taxed.”
Howell differed with the president only in one minor detail–the theory that the new round of tax cuts would stimulate spending by the wealthiest Americans.
“Anyone who thinks we’re going to spend more just doesn’t know how the wealthiest .0001 percent thinks,” Howell said. “We’re stingy bastards.”
